Grieving after the loss of a child is a long and arduous journey, with no rules or guidelines to help parents reduce their pain and cope with the loss. They say that there are 5 main stages to grief; we have covered 8 here; but we believe that they are all as important and are what most parents will experience at some point. All the stages are natural and expected; and remember that they can occur in any sequence with one particular stage maybe lasting longer than another. It is much healthier to accept the stages rather than to ignore them. It is also important to remember that however you move on in life, how you cope or deal with loss your life will never be the same as it was before.

Guilt

As parents we are responsible for our children and no matter how the death of your child occured you may feel that you have let them down. You may find yourself asking if you could have done more to help them,  or wondering if it was something you did or didn’t do. There will be many emotions and you may feel responsible for the death.

Blame

It is very common for parents to feel they need to blame someone for the death of their child. But be careful to avoid blaming your partner or family members as accusations could cause damage to family relationships or even your marriage.

Bargaining

It may be very normal to try and strike a deal with God or the universe for the pain to go away. You will be trying to look for answers to cure the hurt,  you may take risks looking for these answers. You would wish to trade places or do anything to have your child back or for the pain to disappear.

Despair

Being overwhelmed by your pain and hurt of losing a child will bring such strong emotions and feelings,  you may find yourself crying uncontrollably, feeling sorry for yourselves or going long periods of time in silence. You may experience the loss of hope/faith in God or the universe and wonder how you will ever be able to believe and trust in mankind again after he has taken your child. It is vital that you work through this stage of grief to avoid damage to relationships or even your marriage.

Stigma

This is very common in our experience, where you may find that friends avoid you. The death of a child makes people very uncomfortable as it highlights their own fears that it could happen to them. People don’t know what to say and often say nothing at all; when all you need is for someone to listen to you.

Anger

Personally this was one emotion we have experienced on several occasions. The anger that your child has been taken before their life had really begun, anger towards other peoples fear or perceptions of how you should be feeling.  Anger is a powerful emotion making us want to take action and maybe giving rise to place blame or feeling guilty. But anger is also a normal stage of grief although can be dangerous if it persists. If this is the case seek help from a counsellor or your GP.

Sadness

The bond between a parent and their child is so strong that their death will bring profound sadness even dispair and feeling that you may never recover. You may become withdrawn, cannot concentrate on daily activities, forget things and find it extremely difficult to relate to other people. You may have trouble sleeping or have physical signs like headaches or anxiety pains. Sadness is a symptom of gief that should not last forever. However, if you do feel that you cannot move away from these feelings Click here to take a quick self assessment test for depression. Depression is a constant emotion that will interfere with everyday life, but to find out more about depression click here to visit our information page.

Acceptance

To think that in time you will accept the death of your child may seem totally unbelievable at this present moment in time. It may take months or even years to accept it and even when you do accept it doesnt mean that you will not still have feelngs of sadness or guilt – even as you move forward in your life and focus on the positives. By accepting your loss means you can deal with your loss in a much more structured and confident way; either by being ablle to now express our feelings and pain freely or recognise that we have to go through the stages of loss in order to gain the confidence we need to grow.

There is a sacredness in tears. They are not the mark of weakness, but of power. They speak more eloquently than ten thousand tongues. They are the messengers of overwhelming grief, of deep contrition, and of unspeakable love – Washington Irving.

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Memory Boxes

Many children will love to collect special items that may remind them of your child. They could collect photo’s, a piece of clothing, or a favourite toy. They could draw a picture, write a story or just write down their best memories or their brother or sister. Instead of buying a ready made box, maybe create your own memory box, decorating it with drawings, or pictures of what your child liked. Fill the box with your memories, items stories or thoughts. This box of treasured memories can be added to as the months and years go by, becoming a special tribute to your child.

Memory Book

Another lovely idea and one that our daughter’s counsellor has created with her is a memory book. Somewhere to put your favourite photos, stories and poems that remind you of your child, or ones that were their favourite. Georgia writes the things Lewis liked, his favourite places to go and what he liked and didn’t like, she writes her best memories of him and things they liked to do together.

Journal

I feel this is a very important way of remembering your child. Either in pictures or words, writing down your feelings or drawing/painting how you feel, and letting the pictures tell the story can say so much. During our journey with Lewis we kept a daily blog, a diary for all our family and friends to read. Not only did it let everyone know how Lewis was doing but it helped us by writing everything down, we often go back to read it now. A journal is a such a special tribute, for you and your other children and like the memory box, it will be something that you can add to with thoughts, memories and poems, anything you want.

Memory Garden

What a wonderful idea to have a patch of garden to dedicate to your child. Something that any siblings can totally interact with and a special place to go if they are feeling a bit sad. The garden can include favourite flowers, windmills, candles and chimes; or maybe take a laminated picture of your child and tie to a tree. There are no limits to what you could include to make your garden a special memorial to your child.

Create a Space

This could be a space anywhere in the house; or a special room or part of a wall dedicated to your child. Somewhere to put items that remind you of your child,  you could even place candles and others could add items too.

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• Let off balloons; tie a note or a special message
• Give everyone a ribbon and tell them what it is for and who it is in memory of
• Make a scrapbook or shadow box and store pictures and treasured items that were special to your child
• Buy something your child would like and keep it as a memento
• Take toys etc to other children in hospital or donate money to the hospital or local children’s hospice in memory of your child
• Have a t-shirt made with your child’s picture and wear it all that day
• Make a memory stone; paint your child’s name, dates or a picture
• Write a message in a bottle, write about your child, include some tiny memento’s relevant to your child and don’t forget to include your address as you never know who will write back to you!
• Light a special candle of remembrance
• Get awareness bands, I am the father/mother of an angel
• Share your story either on a social networking site, blog or newspaper, or contact us and we would be happy to share it on here.
• Hold an annual charity event in memory of your child
• Get involved in a cause, volunteering your time to something that is already established
• Write a poem and send it to everyone you know
• Ask others to write their memories or impressions of your child, read them aloud at a gathering at your home and maybe include a table with some of your child’s special things as a remembrance
• Plant forget me not seeds

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There is a need to talk without trying to give reasons. No reason is going to be acceptable when you hurt so much. A hug, the touch of a hand, expressions of concern, a willing listener were and still are the things that have helped me most……The people who were the greatest help…….were not judgemental. It is most helpful when people understand that what is needed is to talk about it and that is part of the grief process. – Defrain et al 1991.

Grieving Parents need to find ways to keep the memories of their child alive,  they don’t want to be avoided through other peoples own fear. They may be hesitant to let other’s know they are needed, but they are grateful for the offers of support. They need to know that others will continue their love and support in the coming months and years, as the grief of losing a child will last a lifetime. Please find listed some pointers of how to help families during the difficult days ahead.

Be Practical

Help by washing/cleaning up, to make a meal or tidy the garden, take round some groceries or offer to run errands.

Listen

Let them talk, let them share their memories, their feelings, their pain. Let them express as much as they are willing to share with you.

Call

Keep in touch. Call them regularly, send a letter, a card or give a donation to their designated charity. Let them know that you are thinking of them.

Talk

Talk to them about their child, the hearts of a bereaved parent will always be empty, having to accept that they will not share this live with their child; so they have to hold onto memories. If you didn’t know the child ask what they were like, ask them to share their happy memories with you.

Remember

Birthdays, anniversaries, special events. In years to come each anniversary will be as hard as the first, send a card to remind them you still care and that they have your support, this will mean so much to the family. You could also help by donating money to the families designated charity in their childs memory, plant a tree of rememberance, or release balloons or lanterns. You can do so many thoughtful things for the family in memory of their child and it need not cost a lot of money.

Comfort

Give them a hug, hold their hand, offer emotional support, tell them that you care and that you are there for them.

Support

Give any other children your attention too. Sometimes the parents cannot offer as much support during their own grief. Be honest with the children, talk to them, tell them it is ok to talk and to cry. Don’t forget the Grandparents, Aunties, Uncles, Siblings, they need your support too. And don’t allow your own fears to get in the way of supporting the family, they need you more than anything right now.

Be Sensitive

Please don’t sympathise, don’t tell them how they should feel or that you know what they are going through unless you have also lost a child yourself as you will never know what pain they feel. Don’t avoid them; for this is hurtful and insulting, they have done nothing wrong and need to feel wanted and acknowledged; just a hug and to say i’m sorry will help them to feel less isolated. And please don’t take it personally if they don’t call as often as they used to, or cancel your plans, they may be anxious, bad tempered and cry at any time. But  it is nothing to do with you; they still need and want your friendship, love and support.

What to say or not to say

Don’t say it will all be ok, you will get over it,  he’s in a better place or you’re brave. Parents who have lost a child will never get over it and they are certainly not brave, just to get out of bed will sometimes be a mission. They will grieve for the rest of their lives as this is a life time change. Do not say they are lucky to have other children, or that they are young enough to have more; nothing will ever replace the child they have lost and you will only upset them more. And don’t say call me if you need anything because they won’t call and they will not know what they need.

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Child Bereavement Charity

Supporting a bereaved pupil

Childhood Bereavement Nework

School staff and children’s professionals 

Cruse Bereavement Care

Creating a school bereavement policy

The Compassionate Friends

When a pupil or student dies 

The Grief Encounter

Supporting a grieving child in the classroom 

Model Bereavement Policy

We have found below a model bereavement policy for schools. We found it to be extremely detailed and have had permission from East Riding of Yorkshire Council to share this with you. Every school should have this type of policy in place.

Model Bereavement Policy PDF

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What feelings might I experience after the death of a brother or sister?

Over the coming days,  weeks and months you will experience a mix of emotions. It’s important to know that however confusing or frightening these feelings, thoughts and emotions may be that they are all part of the grieving process and they are perfectly natural. There is no set formula for how you are going to feel. You may have experienced some of the emotions before at times when you have been worried or nervous about certain situations, but there may also be many that you have not felt before.

Another common reaction is that you may feel that no one understands or that you can’t talk to anyone about those feelings. You may feel that you do not want to talk about how you feel for fear of upsetting your parents even more, but Parents and Siblings often feel the same way so it’s vital to remember that people do understand and that talking or even writing down your feelings is important and can really help you.

Are these feelings normal?

All the feelings you are experiencing are perfectly normal. In these circumstances, some people having trouble sleeping, making you tired and restless,  having trouble concentrating or remembering things,  or you could become moody and have feelings of anger, either towards yourself or maybe your parents. All of these feelings are normal and will ease in time.

What should I do about it?

The first thing is to find someone you trust who you can talk to; either a teacher, counsellor or other family member and explain your feelings. It will be surprising how much it can help to talk about your new emotions. It can also really help to sit down as a family looking through photographs, sharing memories. When you do this it’s ok to laugh and cry together as you celebrate and remember your loved one. Making a memory box with your family or even with a counsellor can also be a great way of sharing your emotions.

How do I deal with these feelings?

The most important element of grieving is to allow yourself to express your emotions. It is important that these feelings are allowed to be expressed; so if you want to cry and feel sad, it is OK. Losing your brother or sister is a very sad time and overwhelming for an adult, and for you it is such a great thing to have to deal with, but remember how important it is to find someone to talk to about how you feel, it will help.

Even through all of the feelings of sadness or anger that you may experience, it is still OK to have fun, play with your friends, go out with your mates, laugh and enjoy yourself. Do not feel guilty for wanting to do so either, it is another important part of the healing process and it does not mean that you are not still hurting or do not care anymore. It means that you can recognise your feelings and have control over them.

There could be many factors to trigger your emotions. There is going to be so much attention around your parents and how they are dealing with it all, a siblings grief doesn’t always get the same attention; and this is why it is so important to be able to communicate in some way as it will help you to adjust to the situation.

If you ever start to feel that you are not in control of your feelings,  you must talk to someone. You must know that by doing things out of anger; by being reckless or missing school; or by using drugs or alcohol will not make the pain you are feeling or the hurt for your brother or sister go away.

Remember…

By sharing how you feel with others will help you understand and deal with your emotions. You and your family have been through the most distressing time that many others could only begin to imagine and all of you will be experiencing so many different emotions,- and are still hurting. But by facing these feelings openly and honestly will help to release that pain and in time it will become easier.

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You may feel that you can only stand by and are powerless to heal the deep pain that your own child is experiencing. The death of a grandchild ranks high on the scale of human grief but is rarely acknowledged, and you are normally left to cope as best as you can.

Why do I feel so guilty?

It can be a difficult time as you are trying to sort out your own feelings, but also trying to be supportive for your Son or Daughter. however, for grandparents it can also acknowledge the long life that they have already lived and this may bring about feelings of guilt. It’s important to remember that such feelings are absolutely normal.

Will I grieve differently to my son or daughter?

There are many stages of grief that parents experience and these stages will also apply to you as grandparents. There is no logic to grief and no pattern to how it is experienced, you may feel a variety of emotions from helplessness, frustration, guilt and anger, but it is important to remember that they are all normal. You may find comfort in reading books that address parental grief but substitute the words ‘parents to ‘grandparent as you read.

How can I help my child?

Bereaved parents need to talk about their grief and they need someone to be there to listen and not feel uncomfortable. Being able to talk to your son or daughter about the child they have lost will be a great healer.

Try to resist offering advice and direction as empathising and talking about their emotions and feelings is often the most effective way of helping. There may be times when you have no words, but that’s OK as it is important to be there and simply listen.

Try offering practical help, either cooking meals, cleaning, or helping with any other grandchildren who could be feeling very isolated. But don’t do too much, don’t put pressure on yourself to do everything. You need to allow time for your grieving too!

How can I help myself?

Grandparents are often described as the forgotten grievers. You may feel that you should cope better and control the situation, but in reality you carry a heavier burden of grieving for your grandchild and the overwhelming urge to protect and care for your own child.

It is so important to make time for yourself, to acknowledge your own fears and emotions and talk about them. Do not expect too much of yourself, remember there are no rules or guidelines for grief.

Nothing will ever take the pain away from the loss of your precious grandchild however, in time you will learn to talk about them with a smile and be comforted by the happy memories, and that is OK. You will also find that talking and sharing your thoughts and feelings will help with the healing process and although life will never be the same again you will learn to enjoy a different life, a new normal.

We hurt twice. We hurt for our children because they are our children. Plus, we hurt for the grandchild we lost. – A grandmother

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Infants

They do not understand or recognise death,  but they will certainly know feelings of loss and separation.

2 – 3 year olds

This age group will not have an understanding of death, but they may believe that your child is just sleeping and as such should be told that they have died and they will not be returning.

4 – 6 year olds

They have more of an understanding of death but will not know how it will affect them. They may believe that death is contagious and fear the death of others or even themselves. They should be comforted and assured that this is highly unlikely. They may have problems controlling their bladder or bowel or eating and sleeping problems may occur. It is best to talk to your child allowing them to express their feelings and fears.

7 – 9 year olds

This group do have a fairly good understanding with death,  they know that it is final,  but they may also become curious and ask questions. This age group may experience problems at school; behavioural issues or aggression, or they may become withdrawn or clingy. You should be aware that these problems may not occur immediately but could in the months following.

Adolescents

At this age the understanding is similar to an adults, although they may not deal with the death or their emotions as well; appearing fine on the surface but inside feeling very emotional and frightened.

The Child Bereavement Charity have a wealth of articles about children and grief click here to visit their website

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However, distinguishing between grief and depression is not easy as they both share many symptoms. Grief is very much a rollercoaster of emotions; good days, bad days; a variety of feelings. Depression on the other hand is where the feelings of despair and helplessness are constant and you may also find thoughts of suicide, worthlessness,  intense sense of guilt or an inability to function either at work, home or school. The extreme feelings you experience are so bad that they interfere with your daily life.

If you recognise the symptoms and think that they may relate to you in any way you should talk to a health professional immediately. Don’t keep these feelings to yourself. Complicated grief and depression left untreated can lead to emotional damage; but with help you can get better.

Click here to visit the NHS Choices website to take a quick test to help assess if you may be showing signs of depression. The test is purely for information only and not intended to be a professional diagnosis.

Remember that depression is not a weakness, it can happen to anyone, no matter how strong they think they are.

We have listed some national support groups below who will be able to offer advice and support but we would also strongly recommend that if you have any feelings you believe could be associated with depression, you must also contact your GP straight away.

Depression Alliance UK

Our national network of self-help groups enable people affected by depression to share experiences and coping strategies with others in similar situations.

Our range of leaflets – publications and posters offer in depth information about depresion and how it affects every day life.

Visit website

Depression UK

Depression UK (D-UK)*,  is a national self help organisation that offers support to help its several hundred members cope with depression. These members may suffer from depression, or have suffered from depression in the past, or care for those who have the illness. Their anonymity is strictly preserved.

Depression UK has operated within the United Kingdom ever since it was founded in 1973. It was registered as a charity in 1979. This trusted organisation is run independently of the NHS by a team of 15 or more unpaid non-professional volunteers who work mainly from their own homes.

The charity is entirely self-funding, has no commercial links,  employs no staff, and has no office headquarters. We wish to help anyone who is troubled by depression and to provide support for their carers. This illness does not discriminate against a person because of their age, race, creed, colour,  culture, physical or mental disability, sexual orientation, or economic and social status and neither do we!

Visit website

MIND

We are both a local and national network. Through this network we work with around 250, 000 people every year. We are able to help people who experience all types of mental distress, and who may require help from one or more of our services.

People who experience mental distress are always at the very heart of our work. We listen and make sure their voices are heard by those who influence change. We demand higher standards in mental health care and challenge discrimination wherever it occurs.

Visit website

OvercomeDepression

OvercomeDepression was formed to offer a unique reference point on beating and coping with depression.

Whether it’s a mild case of anxiety, or a deep, protracted period of sadness, depression can cause us to shut down. One in four of us will suffer from some form of depression at some point in our lives, so if you are lucky enough not to suffer from depression, the chances are you know someone who does. Overcome Depression is here to help.

If you are a sufferer, a friend of a sufferer, or just wish to know more about this all too common yet debilitating condition,  our site will be able to provide you with the information you need.

In addition to providing advice on how to detect and diagnose depression, we also discuss how and where to get help for yourself and others, and ways to get your life back on track after recovering.

Visit website

Every trial endured and weathered in the right spirit makes a soul nobler and stronger than it was before – James Buckham

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Are these feelings of pain,  anger and guilt normal?

Absolutely, yes. There are many symptoms and stages of grief with no real logic or pattern to how it is experienced. We all grieve differently and men more so as there can be a pressure in society for them to stay strong and carry on. Men tend to feel frustration if they cannot put things right,  and can feel quite helpless regarding the difference between their partners grief and their own. The emotions that fathers experience can be alien to them and their first instinct may be to try and hide from these feelings. These feelings will not go away by ignoring them.  All the stages of grief are totally normal and expected and remember they can occur in any sequence and with one particular stage lasting longer than another.

How can I find a release from this pain?

One of the most simple yet effective ways of dealing with the emotions is to find a way to talk about how you are feeling as this can truly help to ease the burden you are carrying. To write those feelings down on paper, even if no one but you ever reads those thoughts means you have given yourself permission to think about how you truly feel inside. Expressing these feelings may take you totally out of your comfort zone,  away from that strong person you and society say you have to be; but to tell your story, to say how you feel is truly the start of the healing process. Resist the temptation to bottle things up and get on with life for the sake of your family. It’s important for the sake of both yourself and your family that you find a way to acknowledge and express the feelings you are experiencing. Remember,  the death of a child is like nothing else, you are human and it is OK to miss your child and it is certainly OK to show your emotions over it.

Will life ever be the same again?

They say that time is a great healer; but realistically,  time helps you to manage your grief. The pain of losing a child will never leave you but you will learn to recognise the emotions and feelings and let them flow. In time you will learn to smile again, to look forward and you will begin to find your life now has a new normal.

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