On Friday, the 13th of March, when I was 30 weeks pregnant, we went to the hospital for a routine growth scan. I watched the screen intently, holding Dan’s hand, and I sensed that something was wrong when they scanned over our little boy.
Dan and I were thrilled to discover in September 2019 that we were pregnant. Initially, we doubted the test results, so we decided to buy more tests from the shop. After three tests all confirming the pregnancy, I started to believe it.
I experienced morning sickness every day, multiple times a day, and nothing stayed down. However, my mom reassured me that she went through the same thing when she was carrying me. We went for the 12-week scan, and I felt incredibly nervous. I held Dan’s hand tightly, desperately wanting to know that our baby was okay. In October 2019, my best friend gave birth to a beautiful baby angel boy. Supporting her made me more aware of the possibility of baby loss, which heightened my anxiety. I pleaded with the sonographer, “Please, just tell me my baby is okay. I can’t look until you do.” Throughout the scan, my eyes remained fixed on Dan.
The lady scanned my tummy and eventually said, “Everything is fine, but there’s something I need to tell you.” My anxiety skyrocketed as I looked at the beaming lady. She then said, “You have two babies growing nicely.” I cried tears of joy but also felt a sense of guilt. My best friend had recently lost her beautiful boy, and now I was expecting twins! It took us a few weeks to gather the courage to share the news with our friends. Once we did, their support was incredible.
Although my pregnancy was challenging, I cherished every moment. I experienced daily sickness and could only consume fruit. I ate a lot of fruit during that time. We had additional scans to monitor the growth of our babies, which was an amazing experience to see them frequently.
Just before Christmas, at 17 weeks, we decided to have a private scan to ensure our babies were doing well before celebrating the holiday. During this scan, we also discovered the genders of our babies. We were overjoyed to find out that we were having one girl and one boy, “team pink” and “team blue.” I felt incredibly fortunate but also experienced a bittersweet feeling, as my best friends and their baby angel were always on my mind.
The following weeks were filled with numerous scans and constant monitoring of our precious babies. Despite experiencing daily sickness and losing weight instead of gaining, I was reassured that the babies were taking everything they needed from me. Our little boy was slightly smaller than our little girl, but we were consistently assured that it was within the normal range.
On Friday, the 13th of March, when I was 30 weeks pregnant, we went to the hospital for a routine growth scan. I watched the screen intently, holding Dan’s hand, and I sensed that something was wrong when they scanned over our little boy. The sonographer swiftly moved to our little girl, and I could see her squirming around. Then, the sonographer uttered words that would forever stay with me “I’m really sorry I can’t scan anymore without telling you, I’m really sorry but there’s no heartbeat for your little boy.” Overwhelmed with grief, I broke down and cried harder than ever before. Dan held me close as I cried.
They then took us into a different room where my midwife came to see us. She explained that my beautiful boy had sadly passed away. She then went on to explain that because of this they are concerned for our little girl, so they were sending us to Stoke hospital as it was a much bigger hospital where a doctor was waiting for us and our family.
Dan’s mom and Dad came with us to the hospital 40-minute drive from our house, but it felt longer. Once we arrived at the hospital, we were taken to the forget–me–not suite. After more waiting, two doctors and two midwives joined us in the ‘living room’ we were waiting in. They explained that from the scans, our little boy had passed some time ago and that this was impacting on the growth of our little girl’s brain and head. They felt her brain growth had been accelerated and she might be suffering from brain damage.
As a family we were given two choices; the first was to have an emergency c section and help our baby girl as soon as they could, or wait until Monday, three long days to have a scan of her brain to see if there was any damage. We both instantly decided to give our little girl the best chance we could and have the emergency c section.
We spent the whole of Friday night and Saturday in the forget–me–not suite. It didn’t feel too much like a hospital as they had tried to make it feel more like being at home. All our family and friends were able to be with us. Saturday was a hard day. They discussed moving us to a hospital much further away to be able to care for our daughter the best they could. As a family we decided we would move before the c–section so that we could all stay together. It seemed that our little girl decided she didn’t like that plan and dropped her heartbeat. I felt like my heart was breaking all over again at the thought of losing our little girl as well. The doctors decided they had to bring the c–section forward and just like that our little girl started playing nicely again. A few hours passed and then they said someone had been rushed in so my c–section would be a bit longer. Our little girl again decided she didn’t like that so set my contractions off! We laughed that our little girl was already taking charge and was getting what she wanted.
I was taken through for the c–section. Dan was taken to get ready too I was so scared by myself, but all the doctors and nurses were amazing! The midwife that had spent the day with was about to end her shift, but she refused to leave until she saw our babies bought into the world.
On Saturday 14th March 2020 at 8:17pm our beautiful baby girl Elara was born, at 8:20pm our handsome boy Arthur was born in his sac. I was handed my handsome Arthur to hold first. He was sleeping but perfectly formed and so handsome. A few moments later, (or that’s how long it felt to me, Dan might disagree) our beautiful daughter was handed to me to hold. I held both my beautiful babies together. I cried.
Elara was taken to the NICU, but I was told that her head was measuring at a “normal” size, and they weren’t concerned about her brain but would still check. I was so relieved. After recovery I was taken back to the forget me not suite where they had wrapped our handsome Arthur in a blue and white blanket with an angel on it.
My mom and Dan’s parent were able to see Elara in her incubator one at a time. We didn’t realise at the time, but this would be the first and last time they saw Elara until she was 14 weeks old due to COVID! Thankfully we were able to spend as much time as we wanted as a family with Arthur.
We spent the whole of Sunday with Arthur. It was as perfect as it could be. We held him, talked to him, and sang to him. The midwife, Donna, who spent the day with us would stay with Arthur while we went to see Elara. Sunday evening, we were told there was a family room on the NICU we could move too but my mom who had been with us the whole weekend wouldn’t be allowed to come with us. We decided it was time for Arthur to be at peace and we moved from the forget me not to the NICU family room.
Elara was fighting so hard she was doing amazingly! Because of covid the rules changed a lot and quickly. 10 days after having our babies we were asked to leave the hospital. I knew Arthur was no longer in the hospital he had been taken to Birmingham hospital for a post-mortem I felt heartbroken to leave the hospital as I felt I was leaving both of my babies there. We were allowed to visit Elara but not as a couple anymore. Dan was amazing during this time as I couldn’t drive due to the c-section. Dan drove me to the hospital every day. We were both dealing with so many emotions. The only way we could describe how we were feeling was bittersweet.
Elara spent 5 weeks in the NICU. Elara came home just in time for is all to attend Arthur’s funereal together as a family. Elara is amazing and keeps us going. Every day we think and talk about Arthur and Elara will always know about her twin brother.
We have had such wonderful support from our family and friends, and I cannot thank them all enough. The same goes for the staff in the forget me not and the NICU staff.
Our beautiful babies are three now. Every wonderful milestone Elara smashes we are so proud and happy but also sad as Arthur should be here also.
It’s hard to ask for help, especially when people will remind you that you still have one baby, which is more than some families get, “you should be happy you have one of the twins!”. We are so extremely grateful for our beautiful, wonderful Elara but we are still parents grieving the loss of our boy! It took until we had the results of our post-mortem for us to be comfortable to ask for support. The support I now receive from other angel moms, and the bereavement midwife Sarah is amazing and is whogave me the contact details of Gayle.
The first time I spoke to Gayle I think we were on the phone for over three hours! I cannot thank Gayle enough for that phone call. Gayle just listened and understood allmy emotions. Gayle made me realise it was normal to be so happy to have Elara with us but at the same time heartbroken we don’t have Arthur with is.
Arthur’s post-mortem shows that his umbilical cord was not connected to his placenta correctly. This unfortunately isn’t something a scan can show. We have also found out that I have ‘sticky’ blood which causes a higher risk of blood clots. They found blood clots in the umbilical cord for Arthur. The doctors really don’t know why my sticky blood didn’t affect Elara. She really is our miracle baby. I truly believe Arthur lives in her as she is such a strong little girl already and knows exactly what she wants.
Until you have experienced baby loss yourself or someone close to you has, you really have no idea how many people have experienced baby loss. I don’t want any mom to ever feel like I did that you can’t reach out for help. I’m hoping that the more I share our story of our beautiful bambinos that it might just give even one angel mom or dad the strength to talk about theirs or get support. When I feel ready to do so I’m hoping to investigate as to why the blood test that shows you have ‘sticky’ blood isn’t a routine blood test during pregnancy.
Thank you for reading our story. Sending lots of love and support to all angel baby families.
