“After coming home the reality of what had happened really hit us both and I didn’t feel like I could return to normality.”
Ray’s Story
Our journey with Belle started a long time before she was born.
Good Friday 2012 Bev went into hospital where she was diagnosed with Sinus Thrombosis – she had three blood clots in the base of her skull. She had various scans, procedures and different medications along with numerous hospital appointments until early 2017 when it became a bit more manageable. We thought that with Bev’s health, the medication she had to take and our ages the chance of becoming parents had been something that would not happen and we were getting used to this.
Bev then found out in October 2018 after our holiday that she was pregnant and knowing the complications that could occur went straight to her GP. Due to her medical history she had to go on to Clexane injections and stop her medication immediately as recommended by her neurologist. This also meant that she would go for an earlier scan than usual and would be under a consultant. After the first scan on the 26th October went okay with a strong heartbeat showing, we were booked in for the next scan with the consultant Mrs Masson on the 12th December. We went away and started planning our future as a family. We arranged the house to make room for a child, looked at nursery furniture and discussed names as all excited expectant parents must do.
On the 12th December we went to the scan excited but it slowly started to dawn on us that something wasn’t right when Mrs Masson was scanning slower and pushing harder yet nothing was coming up on the screen. She then changed the screen over and a baby showed up with a strong heartbeat and our fears and worries disappeared. Until it was explained that the reason nothing showed originally was because of a problem with the amniotic fluid. So whilst the baby was growing well unless the amniotic fluid level came back up the baby would not survive. We had to go home with Bev resting and drinking plenty of fluids until we came back for another scan in a fortnights time on the 27th December. We left the room going out through the main maternity waiting area seeing people all excited whilst we felt that the world was crashing around us again. The two weeks until the next scan felt like an eternity with some days full of hope and other days full of despair and fearing the worst it was a difficult Christmas as it didn’t feel like we wanted to celebrate anything with our hopes and dreams for the future in limbo.
We returned on the 27th December full of hope and went for the scan to be told that again growth wise everything was going well along with a strong heartbeat but the amniotic fluid had increased but not to a significant amount. So we had to go home and come back to have another scan with Mrs Masson in the New Year but to continue to do what we were doing and hope for the best. I lost all hope of a good outcome but Bev tried to keep me going and give me hope with her positivity. On the 2nd January we went in for our scan apprehensive but still with a glimmer of hope that something might have changed. But after another struggle getting a scan picture it became clear that nothing had changed and that we had a decision to make which we both thought might happen as we had done our own research after the previous two scans. We were told that we could go full term and the baby could develop externally fine but that internally there would be less than 5% chance that the kidneys would function and even less chance that there would be any lungs developed. This meant that if the baby did survive full term once it was born it would suffocate as unable to breathe for itself. We had to make the hardest decision we have ever had to make but the only one where both of us could stay mentally stable and a medical termination was booked for the 9th January. On the 7th January we were taken to the forget me not suite by our midwife Karen who explained the procedure, check how we both were and get us to sign the letter of consent as well as give Bev her first part of the medication she would need.
We went to the forget me not suite on the 9th January after ringing up to confirm our appointment but upon arrival were unsure if we were in the right place as there was no signage or staff that we could see. We went through another set of doors thinking it was part of the same ward but unbeknownst to us went to the main delivery ward but were stopped from going any further by a really nice cleaner who took us back to the forget me not suite and found Liz the midwife for us. We were taken to our room which was made as homely as possible and Liz went through the procedure again and all the relevant paperwork thoroughly along with information about support available to us afterwards. Bev would have to have a pessary every six hours and unfortunately the first three did not do anything so we were told that if the fourth one did not work we would have to wait 24 hours until we could start again. At 13:14 on the 10th January after the fourth pessary Bev gave birth to our daughter Belle with the midwife Melitta being fantastic to us both throughout. There was a further complication though as the placenta had not come out so Bev would have to go to theatre and have it removed. This meant that I was sat there numb and shell shocked on my own worried that not only had I lost my daughter but also scared that I was going to lose my wife as she has had problems with blood clots and previous operations she has had hadn’t gone to plan. At this point the cleaner from the previous morning appeared to clean the room but also said she wanted to say how sorry she was for us both and she tried to reassure me that everything with Bev was going to be okay and I didn’t need to worry as it was a regular occurrence that they were dealing with. She then went off and reappeared with some toast and a cup of tea telling me that I needed to get my energy up so I could chat to my wife when she came back. This simple act made a massive difference and I pulled myself together just as Bev came back into the room. We were allowed to spend as long in the room and as much time with Belle in her cuddle cot as we wanted and had the opportunity to have photos, hand and footprints done along with a memory box which has been a great comfort to us both since.
After coming home the reality of what had happened really hit us both and I didn’t feel like I could return to normality. I was full of guilt – had we done the right thing, even though I knew deep down we had, there was still a voice in my head. I was angry at why us and seeing people taking their children and being pregnant for granted and everyone I seemed to see in public was pregnant. I was unable to sleep normally which had been the case since the scan on the 12th December – the day we were given the bad news and the day Belle was born replaying itself in my head along with loads of questions and what ifs. At times I would sit and cuddle up with Bev as we would both cry together and at other times I would revert to my usual way of coping and take myself away to think, cry and scream in my head. Waiting for the post-mortem results was agonising hoping to get some kind of answer as to why and also desperate to have the sex of our baby confirmed before the funeral which Liz confirmed by phone a week after we returned home. Slowly we started to cope a little better with Bev’s mum Jean making us some meals and her dad Charlie, her sister Clare with Richard along with my brothers Kenny and Cliff with their wives Hayley and Laura supporting us and keeping us going.
To make us leave the house we decided to go to the forget me not meeting which is a relaxed coffee morning with other people who have been on the forget me not suite and have gone through the same thing along with the midwives Liz and Sarah off that ward. Here you can vent, talk about your experience and your baby or just talk about every day stuff or just sit quietly and enjoy the company from people that don’t judge. We asked about the post mortem results here and Liz and Sarah chased this up for us and arranged an appointment for us. Liz also came and greeted us in the maternity foyer before taking us to see Mrs Masson to go through our results and even though they were inconclusive it gave us enough to take something from them. Mrs Masson took time to explain things whilst being very compassionate towards us both and recommended what to do for future pregnancies. Also at the forget me not meeting we met Helen who was a befriender from SANDS and she told us about the support group meeting and also the app which was extremely helpful for support and planning the funeral. We decided to go to the meeting as it was in the evening and made us leave the house as we were still not going out much. We met some more people there and the support from them was incredible and very helpful especially in the lead up to the funeral. The funeral itself went beautifully thanks to the staff at the funeral directors who did everything we asked and put some extra personal touches and even made a handmade bowl for the flower petals we were scattering on the coffin and have kept it with the memory box. Without these two groups and the support from our family members and friends I do not think either me or Bev would have coped and pulled through the worst time of our lives and to learn how to live our new normal. Both groups are the worst groups to have to be a part of but with the best people in them, people who always listen to your problems, give advice without making you feel stupid or worthless and in a strange way I look forward to going each month.
It is through these groups that I became more aware of what and who is important in both of our lives. Most friends and colleagues have been a great support but others including family members (my side none surprisingly) have shown how self-centered, ignorant and selfish they are. This had made me harden up and cut these people out of mine and Bev’s lives and want to be there for other people who are going through what we are going through or have a similar issue and might not have the support they thought they would have or just find it easier to speak to a stranger. It especially makes me want to help other men understand that it is normal to feel how they do as society in general always check on the mothers but forget about the fathers. This is probably because the father is trying to show a normal exterior whilst inside he is grieving and it is hard to have the balance of the inner turmoil whilst maintaining a strong face for your partner to rely on.
It is now nearly 10 months since we lost Belle but every day she is thought of, talked about in one way or another or remembered by the tattoos we both now have along with the extra strong bond it has created between us both. We still have bad days where it can just creep on you with a song from Belle’s funeral playing or a comment from someone or even just a thought popping into your head but we have more days that we can cope with than days that we can’t now. We went away for Belle’s due date and father’s day to try and take our minds off things and hoped that we would find things easier. Belle’s due date was bearable with us spending the day together but father’s day was awful as Bev had stressed herself out that much she hadn’t slept and felt ill so spent the day in bed asleep. I was stuck with my own thoughts and thought it was best to take myself back to the room where I could be upset without being seen by random people and tried to occupy my mind with reading and watching TV but it didn’t make much difference. Luckily Bev woke up feeling a lot better and we spent the evening together chatting and got through the day. Knowing how we will be feeling we have planned ahead for Christmas and also Belle’s first birthday where we will be going away to our favourite place in the lake district. So with each others support, the support from the groups along with family and friends we will get through it but just not as the people we were before Belle came into our lives.
Original Source: https://rayzorsramblings.wordpress.com/2019/10/04/example-post/?fbclid=IwAR1OetMuf5EmIJw9jwCvJX2iPo_C9Xip9oq8Zc7f7bPAN_LBvT2pDeTV7Ms
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