“It was hard to come to terms with that my baby girl wasn’t on earth anymore, but it’s got easier to deal with over time. I still miss her loads and she will always be my daughter and I will never forget her.”
Remembering Kathleen
I found out I was pregnant just a month after coming out of a mental health unit it was a result of sexual abuse that had happened.
At first before I found out I was pregnant I was feeling tired, and I was constantly being sick. I was going to the out of hours thinking I had a water infection because I have a suprapubic catheter, so I am prone to water infections. I went to the out of hours 2 days before I found out and they did a pregnancy test which shown negative.
Something in my mind was telling me to go and buy a test so I went to home bargains to get a test I didn’t tell anyone as I didn’t think it would come back positive. I came back and took the test, and it came back positive. I rang my mum and said I’ve took a pregnancy test and I think it’s positive she responded with oh and that was it.
I then rang my sister and said I’ve took a pregnancy test and I think it’s positive. She replied with send me a picture of it, so I sent her a picture of it, and she said that’s clearly positive.
I was happy but I was also scared.
I had a scare early in the pregnancy when I was 5/6 weeks pregnant because of bleeding but baby was fine. I had a water infection that wouldn’t go away at all. I was struggling bad through the whole of the pregnancy with sickness and my mental health because I had just come out of hospital and off a section and I was living on my own for the 1st time in 4 years as id spent most of my life in mental health hospitals.
So, it was a lot of change in one go and I also had been going through video interviews for the sexual assault. I found out when I was 16 weeks that I was pregnant with a little girl and instantly I knew I would call her Kathleen. My beautiful little princess.
I had a water infection right from the start of my pregnancy and I was constantly up the hospital stating to them that I needed to go on iv antibiotics not oral antibiotics, but I got sent away with oral antibiotics every time. Fast forward to when I was 21 weeks and 6 days pregnant.
On the night of the 25th of July 2 days before my 21st birthday I was having pains in my stomach and reduced movements and rang MAU who just said that it was normal. Then the pains got worse on the early hours of the 26th of July so I rang back, and they said I could go up to the hospital, but I couldn’t call an ambulance and they dint think I needed to go they just wanted to give me reassurance that everything was fine. I managed to call someone who said they would support me going up to maternity assessment unit. I waited 2 and a half hours on my own with no one with me. The person finally came to me, and we went up the hospital the pains were bad I couldn’t do anything to take the pains away.
I got to the hospital and walked into MAU. The midwifes left me in severe pain for about 30/40 mins without getting a doctor or doing anything apart from listening to my princess’s heartbeat which was still there. A Doctor finally arrived to see me and took me into a room for an examination and said that i was partially dilated. She then got another Doctor who examined me, and they said I was dilated (9cm) they did a scan of my princess, and she was ready to come. They whizzed me round to delivery suite to the forget me not rooms, but they had to take me straight out because I hadn’t had a COVID test result so i had to go into the normal part of delivery suite. I was arguing with the Dr and midwifes to get neonatal down to see me as the other Dr who I first seen said they would, but they refused. Her heartbeat was still there at this point but on the 27th of July I asked for them to check my princess’s heartbeat which they did, and it was gone yet before her heartbeat was so strong. They had to have 2 Doctors to see if her heartbeat was there or not, but they confirmed she had passed away. I had a doctor examine me and he said that she was coming. So, I got rushed round to forget me not rooms now my COVID test was negative.
I gave birth to my princess on the 27th of July 2020 at 5.46am. She was born sleeping. I had to go through labour on my own completely with just the midwifes there and I spent 4 days with my princess in the forget me not rooms including my 21st birthday.
I had my beautiful girl’s 1st funeral on the 10th of august 2020. I had become a mummy to a baby who had been taken far too soon at just 20 years old. When my placenta results had come back, I found out that it was due to the water infection I had that had not been treated by iv antibiotics, so it had turned chronic and affected my baby’s waters and she just wasn’t strong enough. Finding this out was so hard and I still had to sit in front if the doctors who had killed my princess because I still have my super pubic catheter and it is something that I must live with for the rest of my life.
It was hard to come to terms with that my baby girl wasn’t on earth anymore, but it’s got easier to deal with over time. I still miss her loads and she will always be my daughter and I will never forget her. I have a display in my home with some off my daughter’s stuff on like funeral flowers and handprints that were done at the hospital. I also include her name in any cards I send out and I ask if people can send her birthday cards and Christmas cards also.
I think it’s important that my baby girl is remembered and anyone else’s baby is remembered as they are still our children/ grandchildren/ nieces/ nephews/ cousins etc even though there not here with us they deserve to be remembered.
