There is no need for any details of that day except that I felt my world had imploded. I had no comprehension of what was happening. I phoned family and told them and tried to understand what was happening.
I lost my nineteen year old daughter Deanie (She was never keen on her real name, Nadine) in October 2020. She made a very brave choice in deciding to take her own life.
Deanie was born in November 2000 and was one of five children that I was father to before I split with her mother in 2005. By that time we had already lost one of those five children, Kyla, who was stillborn, this was something that took a huge toll on the relationship. Following the very messy split and child custody case, I was firstly stopped from seeing my children, for six months and for no reason. It was during the situation around the court case that I was to discover that one of my daughters was not mine by blood, following DNA testing.
The outcome of the court case was that I would be allowed every other weekend to see my children, except one, and I was allowed time in the summer for a holiday. I was never able to accept that this was the best outcome, considering I had done nothing wrong.
Contact with the my children was always good, although there were times when they would not always come to see me because of what their mum was doing. But, Deanie always came, even if it was just her. We always had a bond and it is probably because we were so much alike as children growing up. I have valued the bond with all my children, ever since I became a dad, this bond with just meant I saw so much of me in her.
In 2008, I got married to Andrea, the months up to the wedding were not always easy as my children would, on occasions, clash with Andrea’s daughter Chloe, which would cause tension as times but, eventually Deanie and Chloe would become so much like true sisters. As the wedding approached, the preparations were so much fun as Deanie decided she would rather be a page girl in a suit like her dad, than wear a dress and be a bridesmaid. So, on the day of the wedding Deanie wore a grey suit, just like me and we all had such a beautiful day and it was made more special because my daughter was able to be a bridesmaid. Then came the hard part, which was to see them have to leave.
Three months later, in November of 2008, everything would change. Their mum said she was going to take them all on a trip to Ireland, where her mum and dad had just moved to. That trip turned into an extended holiday, which turned into staying for Christmas and then that they would be staying in Ireland for good. I had to contact the Irish Garda to confirm they were there and I also returned to my solicitor because the terms of the Contact Order had been broken.
However, I was about to have my faith in the British justice system destroyed. The solicitor told me that Ireland was different because the UK has different relations with the country. They told me to expect the case to be heard in Ireland and that I would need £2500 for them to even write a letter, I should also expect the case to cost in excess of £30,000 regardless of the outcome. Feeling distraught that I could not do anything, I reluctantly agreed to a trial period but, that trial period would only really end when they turned 18 and could make their own decisions. I made the best of these times and we would holiday there when we could or I would go alone. Contact outside of holidays was difficult as at times as I was the one who had to call, hoping they were able to speak to me. Even when they had internet to get online it was not always easy but, we made the best of the time we all had together, as hard as it was to leave or see them go.
In the summer of 2015 Deanie came over for a holiday, by this time we were now living in Devon in the small village of Hartland. We had a great time and she asked to stay at the end of her holiday. So, I flew alone to Castleisland in Co Kerry to inform her mother, this was not easy as you can imagine, and the following day when i flew home, I was stopped at the airport by the Garda who asked to speak to me regarding Deanie. They were very good and I answered their questions, they informed me that they would contact the local police in the UK who would need to speak to Deanie to make sure it was her decision etc. That situation all went well and I began sorting a school for Deanie, which was not easy as I was still working in Southampton and living away from home 5 days a week. But, we made it work and began to settle down with Chloe and Deanie sharing a room for a while. During this time Deanie confided in us that when she had been living in Tralee in Ireland with her mum, grandparents and uncles, that she had been abused one night. This person was apparently known to the family, she also told us that she had never told anyone, even though this happened four or five years previous. We told her that she would need to tell her mum and that we would do our best to get her some help while she was here. However, she would never get the chance to receive that help. She was missing her friends and was thinking of visiting them, then at christmas her mum sent her a parcel of gifts and said to her that she could be a godparent to her new baby brother in Ireland, if she came back. That sealed the deal and I sadly took her to Bristol airport in 2016 to fly back to Ireland.
After this things almost went back to normal but, my work changed which meant we were not able to holiday in Ireland for a while. In 2018, we moved to Somerset and Chloe moved back to Southampton. This was not long after my son Rowan, decided to move here with us in 2017. Following the move, Larissa visited from Ireland a couple of times But, Deanie had a boyfriend and was not ready. However, she did visit Southampton briefly in 2018 and I was able to get up to see her from work. But, this would be the last time I would see her…
I spoke to Deanie, briefly, on 13th October 2020, she was sad because she had left her job in order to move to a new home and this meant she could not afford a present for her boyfriend. We chatted briefly and I said it was hard for me to do anything as money was tight here but, I suggested a cooked meal until she could get something and we could always order something from Amazon if she needed us too. As always happens the conversation tailed off and both obviously went back to our tasks and I never said goodbye or I Love you, something I now live to regret.
At six in the morning of Saturday 17th October, I woke to a Facebook massage from my eldest daughter Larissa, it was sent after 11pm the previous night, I had been asleep, The message said that Deanie had tried to kill herself and they were not sure if she would survive. In my sleepy state I thanked her and asked her to keep me informed, I couldn’t comprehend what I read. Larissa’s reply was two words ‘She’s Gone’…
There is no need for any details of that day except that I felt my world had imploded. I had no comprehension of what was happening. I phoned family and told them and tried to understand what was happening. That evening and several times over the course of the next few days, we would talk to her boyfriend on video call, which was always very hard. It was also only a few weeks from her 20th birthday too. A small funeral and cremation was done in Ireland about a week later. The Pandemic restrictions meant we could not go. Her boyfriend sent me photos from the chapel of rest and these were so hard to look at. My wife and I decided that we would do our own memorial service and with some family and a video link to Larissa in Ireland we both delivered a heartfelt tribute to Deanie, something I will never forget. We had to wait until November 2022 for the inquest, which I had to use the rest of my savings to attend and this was a very mind numbing experience, even more so as I could only stay two nights before flying home.
Since, I lost Deanie my wife and I have put a lot into learning about Suicide prevention. We are both Orange Button holders (This is a scheme that shows an orange button holder is someone you can approach to talk about suicide and who can also signpost you to get help), I have also become a Mental Health First Aider, a Mind Time To Connect Champion (which is a scheme that deals with Mental Health stigma and discrimination) and I also volunteer with the Somerset Suicide Bereavement Support Service (which is also a part of Mind in Somerset). My wife and I also have a grand plan for a retreat or organisation where people can come and take time out and learn about self help and get assistance in accessing counselling etc, it is still in the planning stages but, we have made some baby steps already setting up a group which runs in Glastonbury and is going to be a charity to help people to have a place to be creative and we call it The Avalon Allsorts. We do all this because we want people to know that they are not alone in their grief or their suffering, there are people out there who are willing to listen and support them.
I have also done a lot of things in Deanie’s memory. I have, among these, a memory box I created, a Tattoo (which I used a sample of her actual handwriting for), a picture a friend painted, I had a star named after her in her constellation of Sagittarius, and we also have her picture out, which I say say hello to and good night to. The creative group has also helped me as it has given me a space to do things and be creative in her memory, as I painted a picture from a sketch she had done, which made me feel so good to have continued what she started. I will continue to do things every year in her memory.
For me I searched for a long time to figure out why this happened and that search is how I came to feel that her decision was such a brave one. For me Deanie made her decision because she had to be in the one place where she could be will all her loved ones at the same time, not separated by time or place. So, now whenever we think of her, she is right there beside us, always.
I will be honest and say that these last couple of years or so have not been easy. But, it has been made easier by looking at what is out there for support and guidance. Mind in Somerset helped me so much and continue to do so and I have found so many online groups and charities like A Child of Mine and The Compassionate Friends that have also be so very helpful to me during this time. Having this day that A Child Of Mine has set up, giving a day to remember all those bereaved parents is amazing because it allows us to to see that we are not alone during all those dark times, these are others out there who know our pain and can offer a sympathetic ear and a place to remember and celebrate the lives of those beautiful souls we have loved and lost.
Thank you for listening to my story, I hope that it helps you see that you are not alone and that celebrating the life of your lost child will help live for always and in all ways. I send my love and hugs to you all.
Steve.
