A funeral is a personal, sensitive and extremely emotional occasion and in most cases you do not have much time to plan and make arrangements. Also in our experience the funeral of a child can be very different to that of an adult – but this is down to personal preference. We wanted to offer some inspiration and ideas for consideration – all from families who are in the same position as you now; they will not be for everyone and they are offered only as suggestions; but we hope that they may give you some direction in arranging the day.
Funeral Directors and Celebrants
It would be useful to try calling a few different companies to get an estimate of the costs involved. The Children’s Funeral Fund is now available which covers the basic cost of the services for burial and cremation. If there are further expenses you may be able to get help from the Funeral Expenses Payment.
Click here to visit the website of the National Association of Funeral Directors, they will be able to help you search for one of their members in your area.
Click here to visit the Co-op Funeral Care website.
Transport
We chose this White horse drawn hearse for our son’s funeral. It was something we thought was so perfect for him. However, the carriage was not included in the cost of basic services and we paid approximately £1200 for the carriage and White horses. Other options could include a motorised hearse, they can come in many colours now, Green, White & Pink; or some other more unusual means including a 4×4 hearse – Volkswagen or even a motorbike. It would be best to discuss your ideas with your funeral director who would be able to guide you in terms of cost and practicalities.
Dress Code
This is very much a personal choice however, from our experience of children’s funerals, they tend to be a more relaxed dress code. Some families choose to wear brightly coloured clothes, as a celebration for the life of the child. Some will want everyone to wear something Red or Blue for example, to symbolise their favourite TV character or football team. But some will feel more comfortable with wearing the traditional dark clothes. What you need to remember is that there is no right or wrong, what ever you choose will be perfect for you. This choice is purely a personal preference of what you want and how you are feeling.
A child’s funeral is going to be a very emotional occasion for all involved, that goes without saying; so when thinking about your eulogy try not to make it overly dramatic to add to the emotion. Try and focus on the child, what they enjoyed to do, share happy memories and things that would have made them laugh and try to paint a picture of them for those who may not have known them that well. If the child said anything that seems profound now that they have died, those words would be an appropriate inclusion in the eulogy as well. There are some things that are implied and universally understood when it comes to the death of a child, such as no parent should have to bury their child and how unfair it all seems. It is not necessary to include such wording in the eulogy.
As parents you may you may have strong feelings about reading the eulogy yourself. Either way do not worry if you feel you can’t, nobody will be expecting you to do so. Whoever is conducting the funeral will be more than happy to read your words on your behalf. But for those who feel they want to do it themselves, it its a good idea to read what you have written out loud several times as you will become used to the words and they will have a little less impact than reading it for the first time at the funeral.
It is not easy to write a eulogy for a child. But use the opportunity to remember a few of the beautiful moments that the child had during their short time on earth. Remind everyone how loved the child was, and how much the child loved his or her family.
Order of Service
Your Minister, Funeral Director or whoever is taking the funeral service will discuss what you would like to include in the service in detail, including any music, hymns or special readings you are thinking of. If you are having a cremation it may be advisable (but not compulsory) to book a double slot at the crematorium so that you have enough time to include everything you wanted to without feeling rushed. However, you may be more comfortable with a shorter service.
Depending on how you are feeling personally, the funeral service can be either a celebration of your child’s life, or something that you just have to get through, and that is OK. You may decide that you would like to light candles during the service, watch a video of your child, or listen to readings/memories/songs read from their school/college friends or siblings, or to release doves/balloons after the service or by the graveside. Only you can decide and choose what is right for you and your family on the day, but I do know that what ever you choose it will be a very special and personal occasion.
Once the order of the service has been finalised you can either print your own service sheets, or if you know someone who will do it for you, otherwise I am sure your funeral directors will be able to assist if you are struggling. Again think about the words you want on the front of the sheet “A Celebration of the life of……”, “In Loving Memory of…..” or just their name and dates.
Parental grief is boundless. It touches every aspect of a parent’s being. When a baby dies, parents grieve for the rest of their lives. Their grief becomes part of them. As time passes, parents come to appreciate that grief is their link to the child, their grief keeps them connected to the child.” – Arnold and Gemma 1996